The Entropy of my Life.

This is time. As out there and evident to anyone. It passes, it continues, it waits for no one. And although some capture it's milli-fragments they can't possess it. But are we sure?

Was it really man made. has time always been present? Where is today's central message, is it about time, it;'s pressures, it's beauty? it's existence?

How have I been? Can I trust my current state to allow a truthful diagnosis>? Or is time the influence determining my feelings. Am I strong enough to regulate my identity. Depressed? grateful? hopefull? new optimism? Or is astrological influence much more attributable for actions.

In my head, in my heart, I find fragments, tiny rock like golden nuggets. Have I been storing them since my childhood.

What can science contribute? No, how can I, I, I, contribute to science. Am I creative enough do I know the details or ... I honestly have not put forth the care for it, a tender love I know must exist. Glass institutions, mass amount of beakers, light fibre optics, all to signify it's importance, that there exists in this world a grand love for science. Have I really been integrated, or am I too isolated for love?

I will love science. and I'm beginning to . . . but will this love be reciprocated?

Have you ever watched that show. A common criticism was the inapparent ability of the fat man to lose weight while being in a calorie-constricted environment always in motion. A very similar can be compared to how I feel myself that I am stagnant but with no logical answer.

I'll describe how I have been lately. This may or may not be a departure from my last post but nontheless . . . I was just crying because I feel hopeless, I wasted away four days of my life to television and I'm so ashamed of my actions. I yearned for my mother to comfort me and then realized that I haven't invested in any relationships in which I could cry freely and expose all my dark demons. I suppose it was only Kajtek that would be there for me, human or not, I miss him.
To an extent that isn't comparable. Also as I write this I realize I am finding it difficult to breathe. My life is chaotic, each time I feel as though it is picking up it falls down terribly.

But now for some perspectivity; I ju

In neon green, those words, peace, love, and vegetables resonantes the same lonesome, fake, pathetic feel of the neon lights that read vacancy off highway motel stops. Peace with whom, when all I see is war, a cold bitter war, that lingers and returns to hit with one more blow. Love? When it is hate that filters through the ventricles in my heart, clogging love against the walls, plaquing it against the walls of goodness,l and hate iutself masks itself as the flow the rhythmic flow, when hate flows through my body, I know it's there. I beg to be drained of this distrust in myslef, this disgust, for I know that I must. And then, vegetables. Where do you hide when it is fat that will side with my emotions. I call upon you to yell out and illuminate your freshness and colorful cloaks, for I know that wellness lies beneath you and love you as I may it need be mutual so with that said, I implore that you stay by my side.

I want to love like Jessie.

this electrical heat, the plastic cover,
take these unguided hands, clasp the battery, that is love,

my love for you, coated chromium , it won't last,
this chemical reaction it'll fade.

Does anything last , chests in the sea, rusted locks.
Excavations grand and dull,

Gloomy sunday,



dwell
dwell


the empty portrait with only a black canvas filled with shadows. She's sitting there, amongst the showls, amongst the pity weak or strong, you're still breathing.

Absurdity we continue on, we step, two sitcks counting in a song. The powerful upbeat tune of depression, a compilation.
Are we just drifting? stop-motion filming. with the build up of time- resembling noises, background, At the end there's a build up.

In every sad melody there are the notes and their potential for happiness. I don't want that, pity,. self, , , pity.

Film Idea; The story of many humans, with individual beats coming from different actions at a time of anger. Making a beautiful tune in the background.

Often, I don't care for those things I love most.
Often, those items, specific things, have taken on certain memories, most of which I want to forget about.
Often, I love remembering but I'm just frustrated because I don't feel as I do.
IE; AlmostFamous + W+E
Books + IB

It's somewhat suffocating.
I want relationship with soulmate.

Status: I like working because I eat less, and feel alive.
Maintain contact with one friend. Reason: Seems to be in a similar situation as I, Tonni. Tire and powerless.

Concerns: Going on Bahamas trip with Rumcais, Possible awkwardness.

Must start planning and actually take initiative to alter lifestyle.

Stop the eating.

It has just been realized that I cannot tell myself who I am .

""How much of my well being is invested in pursuing my own way, and how much is invested in the development of universal virtues such as intelligence, courage, self-control, sociability, love?” True individually comes from discipline, not simply reacting to the impulses of our will. Discipline requires that demands be made on us, not simply that the constraints on us are removed. " [ Veritas Splendor ]

Striving to be the product of societal good, to excel under what generally deemed =top-. Is ther top? lets say no . . . if I'm living each day to to what I want to do to please myself then I stumble but i', not striving to be anwher, no rank. Placing at top would require me to want to be there, but even so I'd have to be playing against other factors, people, playing with the rules under a pyramid of success, and thus I would simply be reacting to the world surrounding.
Everyday I let minute occurences irritate me and it's agravating because I am not pleased with my own behaviour, what should I have said when my mother comes in demanding I go to bed early, I try to stand my ground for I am 18, I'm in university, I cannot stand on my own feet and until I am living in my house payed my own money I shall not assert my stance. I demand this of myself. Fom now on I assert from within. Demanding personal goals.

(I hear terrible cat screeching; it seems like florida cat piss in house )

It's early morning.
Waiting to write a module.
There is so many things to do now
Is it wrong for me to hold on to relics of the past. Knowing I should create new memories, but it's hard.
Feeling like that won't happen. Even with John, I got him upset like to any other person, asking him for help now, simply makes me feel guilty and, I will stop loosing friendships over stupid arguments. I'm exhausted. Hoping that returning to work will relax me

Well my room feels empty. my life's plain, and yet I feel so lost, confused, out of touch with it.
My heart feels, but the cage I've put it in can't hold in for long, and it's raging anger within. I've locked up all love, with hate it's reining king. The worst is there's no one to call to help release the misery, I'm just as bad as the people I truly dislike.
My mother left here crying. Tears flooded her spirits and I all did was wave my hand go. The guilt I feel drains me and makes my body limp. No energy I find for apologizing, all I want is sleep, and give in to myself. I don't think I can win. s o s

I wanted to be the one swirling in that worhole, envious of the stars that were swept up in it and rode through the universise in the abscence of wind, powered by magnetic fluorescent lights, let me imagine.

Full of apathy.
I can't seem to focus at all, agter the Friday outing I was pumped I did Physics for approximaetly 12 hours on the weekend.
Now I can't read over two simple labs and make a website. This is torture. My mind is thinking of what may be... get on track
What will motivate me to do better? The feeling of working hard. Not right now. Then what

Is it of my doing, that I pair up with the guy who's just as odd and spastic as I.


I don't go for the popular boy, don't think I will unless I like that particular one. Even then there's no reason for us to hook-up, well I see why now, so future wise ...
What?


I want a hot husband.

When it don't talk much to begin with, and the one person that you think you can rant to is overseas, and other person won't talk to you. It can be a little tough, but would I say, I don't understand why so negative an image on me, ha ha.
This coming from the one liking to mope walk ... well then fine.

The Hushers will.


I can't believe that Gabriel Garcia Marquez can be found under googling whores. That's a very different but creative of putting taht word to use, maybe a literary whore possibility.

Words to look into: alicia ross- purity, whores not wars, punk victorian, elegance. Tell me about the rebounds.

I smell so I definetly need to talk a shower, and I am getting better at typing, congrats. Still making mistakes, still looking at my hands.

Finished all my classes for the day, and western, waterloo, and lastly Toronto, you will not recieve me as your guest this weekend. I have too much work that needs to be completed, too many piles of paper to be sorted, too much stress to calm.
First two marks out of the sem 2: 118/100. and 45%.

I drink Silk now, better then I had thought alhought hella expensive.

To think of it i'm on the fence with him calling me issue.

It's second day back in residence here at Guelph.
It's very frustrating knowing taht I have to deal with the same Chemistry course, I just have to let go of the fact that I did bad stop the denial and start working.

Ok I know I JUUST wrote something here, but because of an unmentionable friend, I found and felt happiness although short-lived I'll write it down to remember. And even though the beautiful song just ended... "A Long December" I want to remember that I'm a girl loving life. Please buy me a paintbrush so I could paint all the sweet and contorted faces I see.
Thank you . I'll say it to your face when I see you soon. ((( with love e*** )))

I just ain't as strong as I thought I had turned out.
Inject in me doses of your zoloft. balance me out. I'll be gone soon.
repetition...
It doesn't help that I'm listening to '' Another Word for Desperate''
I was doing so well.

O man... this is a lapse, relapse no more, I'll stand up, kick you down, I won't take back my curse words. You deserved them though unknowingly.

I just started thinking about my birthday and who will remember well my family, so I'm happy those are the only people that matter to me. Yes they matter.


Is that not a great title for a song, well it's copyrighted, yes bitches.
These cyclic fits will kill.
(((e***)))

It's 2:12 and I'm listening to Counting Crows "Colourblind" It's such a peaceful song.
"I am covered in skin, No one gets to come in... Pull me out from inside.." This line appeals greatly to me maybe because I used to bottle up all my feelings and posibly want to regress to that stage, I don't belive I'm ready to be that idea of the emotional girl exposing herself through feelings... Funny to mention I'm only on here as an exam study releasor and I recieve an e-mail from Rob about an e-mail (forward) concerning a break up. I won't delete it, because it reminded me of an apology I wrote to Willem, I had not done anything like her, sleeping around, but I had somehow felt like her... should I have, this is called attributions, questioning our own actions... well so I figure or should I write what I felt about the e-mail... I'm reminded by the phrase don't know what you got until it's gone... do I not value those that I find dear, well the answer is obviously yes,but as soon as I miss mama, she calls and I can't talk to her... when she hugs me she smiles SOOO big, it makes me feel happy now, but when it's happening, I backaway from every hug, I think I've already regressed. Can someone please tell me why I show only affection to my Kajtus? I hope one day I'll be able to to express my love without them thinking I'm all girly or needy, or placing me in that typical girl category. That is it, it's all about categorizing with me. I didn't like the fact that Will and I had to be classified as something in order to 'be'. I hate classifications. When we classify aren't we just racking up the x-marks and totalling out a number, maybe even average that out and we'll all be standardized. University is making me scared. damn ths conditioning. Well I really should continue studying. Bye LOve ... more to come after Finals.